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Saturday 23 November 2013

To Boredom & Beyond



You know you are extremely bored in life when:

1.       You stop sympathizing with your maid and instead envy her for the immense job satisfaction she has, which is quite evident by the bright ‘Good Morning’ she greets you with in her  pretty clothes,  while your heart starts sinking knowing it’s a weekday morning.

2.        You start fearing that soon enough, on some crazy day you may permit your parents to go groom hunting just because you believe that you will have atleast  0.1 % chance of having fun in future.

3.       Friday is the day of your resurrection. Every week.

4.       Hogging is the only way to break the monotony of daily life. Even if that means looking forward to eating South Indian style Chhole full of coconut in office as slowly and as much and as many times as you can just to while away time even when you weigh nearly 3 times your age.

5.       You know the exact nature of Priya’s trauma currently in “Bade Ache Lagte Hain..”  and sit through songs like ‘God, Allah, Bhagwan…’ poker faced.

6.       Mirror is not a necessity anymore for your prior obsessed self. You pick up the first pair of cloth that falls out of the cupboard and go around the town in pink and yellow or red and dark red. There is no enthusiasm to look good.

7.       10 facebook notifications is the most exciting thing you came across today.

8.       You actually start introspecting and contemplate over clichéd ideas like preparing for MBA.

9.       You can relate to all the slow songs which you earlier assumed to be written by constipated people, for constipated people….

Some of my favorites these days:

·         ‘Kabhi khud pe, Kabhi haalaat pe rona aaya…’ after regularly missing the office bus even after a real life ‘Temple Run’ daily and paying 200 damn bucks to go to the most Yo Yo place: Office!
·         ‘Kyun Main Jaagoon……..’  in front of the desktop while a sheet stares back at me.
·         ‘A Thousand Years........’ at 5:30 pm knowing that I have  3 more hours left in my shift and cannot take the shuttle that leaves like right now!
·         ‘Kuch na Kaho, Kuch bhi naa Kaho…’ as the work is being assigned to me.
·         ‘Ajnabi mujhko itna bataa, dil mera kyun pareshan hai…’ after manager gives his insights into my work.

10.   When the Joke of the Day is: ‘Mommy, I know about Gandhi but who the hell is Jayanti’ by a teammate’s kid on Oct 2nd.  


Saturday 5 October 2013

Besharam piece by piece



Okay I confess I was besharam and jobless enough to spend money on watching this utterly nonsense movie, but even RK is to be blamed  for making me go against all reviews and trust his choice.

The movie was seriously an assault on sensibilities but certain scenes/songs/characters steal the show.

1.    Meet Ch*ndel, the constipated criminal(Javed Jaffery) who is lame ass enough to focus on the car needed for the crime more than the crime itself.

2.    Meet Babli(Ranbir Kapoor), an expert in car stealing who needs to make sure his balls are at place every 10 mins. Naachun?  

3.    Meet the childless police force, Mr. & Mrs. Chautala ( Rishi and Neetu Kapoor) who have  literally been given poop scenes to create humor but the jokes stink. Not their fault at all.

4.    Meet Tara, Babli’s love interest and the woman who is PMSing throughout the movie.

5.    Tara, the dumbum lives in a modest area but spends all her savings on a BMW. Intelligent decision making considering she is the manager of some company.

6.    Babli, the besharam meets her at a wedding and even in her cranky mood, she starts gyrating like some ‘Maata’ decided to enter her body.

7.    Tara’s mom meets Babli and gets the divine idea that a loafer mechanic is the ideal guy for her daughter because all her daughter is expecting from her future partner is class. Duh!

8.    Ch**** gives money to Babli to get him a car and he obliges.

By stealing his dream girl’s car.
From her official parking.
When he had seen her arrive in it for the 1st time.
Dumbness_/\ _

9.    Somewhere in between, we are expected to go all oooh-aah as a result of RK’s butt cleavage in our face for a good 30 sec. Yuck!

10.  The bunch of disgusting attempts to evoke laughter does get a breakthrough in a scene thanks to T2’s(Babli’s buddy) reaction to desperate attempt to create laughter by making him bear the brunt of Babli’s morning wood. Thooo but funny!

11.  Anyway, Babli realizes his mistake and promises to get the car back for Tara, the woman with the longest history of frown.

12. While Tara is in dilemma whether to go or not, her mom is all gung ho about Babli, her dream son in law. So what if he is a typical delhi boy, so what if he keeps eve teasing her daughter. She knows he is the one and Tara should totally tag along with him to get her car back. Wow !

13. They go and the 1st thing they see in Chandigarh is her car. Whatta coincidence!

14.  She finds out that he was the one who stole her car in the 1st place and gets pissed off. He enlightens her about him being an orphan and how he gives it all to an orphanage and the inevitable happens.

15. Loou bug hits her and no amount of chicken, ice cream or coffee is enough to win his heart back. Damn it!

16.  He gets beaten badly but one strike on the wind shield of his Tara’s car and he has his “This is spartaa…” moment. Through his gravity defying smartness, he is able to get the car back somehow while it’s coming back from servicing and she gives him a peck. 2 actually. Deep girl, we must notice here.

17.  The great criminal, chu**** had actually sent the car for servicing with crores of money in it. BEST CRIMINAL EVER! Muaah muaah!

18. Bharat Maata, Tara gives the money bag to the corrupt police couple.Then comes the ultimate proposal dialogue by her.
   "Abhi tak toh main sharma hi rahi thi, mujhe bhi besharam bana de..." or something like that. 
       Btw, her surname is Sharma. That's all. :|

19. In true Bollywood style chu kidnaps all the anaath ashram kids and after lot many blah blah scenes, Hero wins and villain loses.
                   Actually this part was so long and boring to watch that I don’t feel like describing it only.

20. A few PJs later, the childless cop couple decides to adopt Babli. Awwwwwwww… :\

21. It’s not over yet. Throughout the movie you are tortured by pathetic songs but the ending credits take it to the all new level where everyone is seen shaking to the tunes of something like “Hand utha ke naache….”  which sounded like “Pant utha ke naache..” to me in the theatre making it all the more unbearable.


P.S.: Neetu Kapoor is a very good actress and I would love to see her on screen again, but in a sensible movie next time. She played the role of a corrupt Jat cop to utmost perfection and was very convincing in the otherwise irritating battle scene. :)

Sunday 25 August 2013

The art of looking bad

Some people are not content with the unforced genetic flaws that we all come with and try to take it up a notch by  putting on nonsense in public. Some of the ultimate “My eyes! My eyes!” moments come for me when I see someone doing any of these:

  1. Skin colored leggings: Okay you woman, from a distance it looks like you wore nothing but Kurti/Top. You look semi naked and I get disgusted with your bare(appearing) elephant/ toothpick legs below a pretty costume. It looks extremely cheap and kinda vulgar. 

  2. Goggles at night: Unless and until you are blind, I assume you have got conjunctivitis or are a bimbo of top category. 
  3. Scratched nail paint: Eeew is the word man! Remove it completely or keep updating it like your antivirus. 
  4. Undies out, grace over: Some morons forget that  underwears must have been named so for a reason and go around flashing it like a talent. Unless and until you are Superman, please don’t  do it. 
  5. Putting on favorite accessories: Doing it all at once makes you look like a shop on Chandni Chowk and takes the focus away from individual pretty pieces. So please don’t crowd yourselves and look like a bride.
  6. V neck t shirts: In my personal opinion, a figure hugging V neck T Shirt takes a bit of manliness away from guys.
  7. Cleavage: All you men who consider themselves John Abraham from Dostana and all you J Los’ , please note that belts have a purpose. So before you bend down and put your bums in someone’s face please make sure you have it covered because believe it or not, it looks disgusting.
  8. Personal hygiene: Please don’t consider this world a bathroom and flash your booger around. Similarly, you don’t have to show off that you ate something nice by carrying it everywhere in your teeth.

  9.  Bad color combination: Green, pink, yellow, blue and red. Together you look good, nobody said. So please keep in mind the aesthetics before you decide to prove yourself to be a super cool matchmaker for your clothes. Remember, you are a person. Not a rainbow.

Wednesday 19 June 2013

Fukrey review



 So I enter the theatre will low expectations and two overgrown men playing  kids(Choocha and Hunny)  in school lowers it even further. Enters the wanna be singer, Zafar  who I now assume is the hero of the movie. Zafar has girly hairstyle and plucked eyebrows for which I dunno how much he had to suffer. Dude! Plucking eyebrows won’t make you Imran Khan. You need to choose movies in which you have dialogues unless u get an offer in Barfi 2 ofcourse.
Now get rid of pre conceived notions!

Hunny and Choocha don’t look like a school boy because they have failed once in 1st std, twice in 6th  std and are going to complete a hatrick in 12th if they don’t pass this time. They come up with a brilliant plan: “Even now we won’t study”. Idiots for sure else who cannot not pass even if they start start studying 5 days before our CBSE board exams thanks to gap almost like summer vacation between papers. Dumb boys ofcourse.  They decide to buy the board papers.

Choocha has the divine gift of dreaming up weird stories and Hunny(smart ass his ass) can interpret it accurately(100% mind you) to win lotteries. Zafar’s dad gets admitted and of course he cannot get money because even after 13 retakes in singing he pees in his pants. Also, comes in picture(came a lil early actually) Laali, The Surd whose bike has a virtual note on it: MOLEST ME. Laali is taking tuitions from Zafar’s gf (Neetu) to get into college and jalaaofy the girl who dumped him. He will later start falling for her only after she removes Bhujiya from his beard. LOL!

Hunny and Choocha decide to bet big amount of lottery and go to borrow it and come across Laali and Zafar. All of them need money ofcourse. Even though Big Daddy, Pandit ji is reluctant, Zafar The Duffer convinces him that this is the only way to make money( Of course he can’t sing to save his Dad’s life. )
And hence we enter the funniest minutes of the movie. They decide to make the town Gundi( Thank god the villain is a girl who is not into rape! Refreshing \m/ ), Bholi Punjaban. She is THE DON and seems to be a disciple of Rakhi Sawant loud and clear by the fact that she has a tattoo on her back that reads ‘SINDERELLA’ 

Bholi Punjaban steals all the best dialogues. “Kyu Pandit ji, itne din baad aaye ho, Gupt rog ho gaya tha kya” or “You also run, Behen ke Son” being some of them.

She decides to trust Choocha and his Choo friends’ idea to get benefit on a partnership basis.  Now Choocha is not able to perform under pressure. Errrr…means he is not able to sleep only to get a dream. But out of fear, he tells them a fake story and obviously  Bholi Punjaban is furious. She gives them drugs to sell in a party where Choocha’s chu friend brings along a girl(Priya) he keeps eve teasing. Oh wow true Loou! She comes to the party dressed as if all the the cham cham sitaara of the town has landed on her top.  .  Police strikes and pills are flushed down the toilet by Neetu to save the asses. Don’t ask how. Now while hiding, Hunny asks Priya if she is his gf and she goes furious saying “Zabardasti karne ki koshish kar re ho”. LOL!

After losing Bholi di Goli, they are asked to get 25 lacs in a day. Now Choocha gets a real dream and guess who supports him furiously to bet again. Ms.Neetu Ma’am.  She smartly gives up all her savings along with the silly boy’s chindi amounts. Zafar The Duffer is against it this time and gets proven wrong again shortly as they all manage to win the lottery this time.

Bholi Punjaban is tricked into police custody. Choo and Hunny manage to pass and go to college on a horse( I wonder how could they pass even after getting the paper because searching the right answers for something we have no clue about also takes time). Laali gets a new arm candy and just before you feel like slapping that spineless Zafar, he starts singing and gets his girl back. Yayyiie!

PS: Choocha’s T-Shirt that read COMA and had Puma’s tiger/lion whatever lying dead was really hilarious.\m/

“Hello? Kon? Maata…”  Jaagaran song had me jumping with laughter.

Also, both the chicks are really pretty.

Overall, Fukrey is a mast masala movie rey! DO WATCH IT for the real hero of the movie, the not at all bholi - ‘Bholi Punjaban’.

Btw, Fukrey means Vella te Jobless te a part of all of us. Isn't it? ;)