The art of looking bad

Some people are not content with the unforced genetic flaws that we all come with and try to take it up a notch by  putting on nonsense in public. Some of the ultimate “My eyes! My eyes!” moments come for me when I see someone doing any of these:

1. Skin colored leggings: Okay you woman, from a distance it looks like you wore nothing but Kurti/Top. You look semi naked and I get disgusted with your bare(appearing) elephant/ toothpick legs below a pretty costume. It looks extremely cheap and kinda vulgar. 
   
   
   
2. Goggles at night: Unless and until you are blind, I assume you have got conjunctivitis or are a bimbo of top category. 
3. Scratched nail paint: Eeew is the word man! Remove it completely or keep updating it like your antivirus. 
   
4. Undies out, grace over: Some morons forget that  underwears must have been named so for a reason and go around flashing it like a talent. Unless and until you are Superman, please don’t  do it. 
   
5. Putting on favorite accessories: Doing it all at once makes you look like a shop on Chandni Chowk and takes the focus away from individual pretty pieces. So please don’t crowd yourselves and look like a bride.
   
6. V neck t shirts: In my personal opinion, a figure hugging V neck T Shirt takes a bit of manliness away from guys.
7. Cleavage: All you men who consider themselves John Abraham from Dostana and all you J Los’ , please note that belts have a purpose. So before you bend down and put your bums in someone’s face please make sure you have it covered because believe it or not, it looks disgusting.
8. Personal hygiene: Please don’t consider this world a bathroom and flash your booger around. Similarly, you don’t have to show off that you ate something nice by carrying it everywhere in your teeth.
   
   
   
9.  Bad color combination: Green, pink, yellow, blue and red. Together you look good, nobody said. So please keep in mind the aesthetics before you decide to prove yourself to be a super cool matchmaker for your clothes. Remember, you are a person. Not a rainbow.
   

Fukrey review

 So I enter the theatre will low expectations and two overgrown men playing  kids(Choocha and Hunny)  in school lowers it even further. Enters the wanna be singer, Zafar  who I now assume is the hero of the movie. Zafar has girly hairstyle and plucked eyebrows for which I dunno how much he had to suffer. Dude! Plucking eyebrows won’t make you Imran Khan. You need to choose movies in which you have dialogues unless u get an offer in Barfi 2 ofcourse.

Now get rid of pre conceived notions!

Hunny and Choocha don’t look like a school boy because they have failed once in 1^st std, twice in 6^th  std and are going to complete a hatrick in 12^th if they don’t pass this time. They come up with a brilliant plan: “Even now we won’t study”. Idiots for sure else who cannot not pass even if they start start studying 5 days before our CBSE board exams thanks to gap almost like summer vacation between papers. Dumb boys ofcourse.  They decide to buy the board papers.

Choocha has the divine gift of dreaming up weird stories and Hunny(smart ass his ass) can interpret it accurately(100% mind you) to win lotteries. Zafar’s dad gets admitted and of course he cannot get money because even after 13 retakes in singing he pees in his pants. Also, comes in picture(came a lil early actually) Laali, The Surd whose bike has a virtual note on it: MOLEST ME. Laali is taking tuitions from Zafar’s gf (Neetu) to get into college and jalaaofy the girl who dumped him. He will later start falling for her only after she removes Bhujiya from his beard. LOL!

Hunny and Choocha decide to bet big amount of lottery and go to borrow it and come across Laali and Zafar. All of them need money ofcourse. Even though Big Daddy, Pandit ji is reluctant, Zafar The Duffer convinces him that this is the only way to make money( Of course he can’t sing to save his Dad’s life. )

And hence we enter the funniest minutes of the movie. They decide to make the town Gundi( Thank god the villain is a girl who is not into rape! Refreshing \m/ ), Bholi Punjaban. She is THE DON and seems to be a disciple of Rakhi Sawant loud and clear by the fact that she has a tattoo on her back that reads ‘SINDERELLA’ 

Bholi Punjaban steals all the best dialogues. “Kyu Pandit ji, itne din baad aaye ho, Gupt rog ho gaya tha kya” or “You also run, Behen ke Son” being some of them.

She decides to trust Choocha and his Choo friends’ idea to get benefit on a partnership basis.  Now Choocha is not able to perform under pressure. Errrr…means he is not able to sleep only to get a dream. But out of fear, he tells them a fake story and obviously  Bholi Punjaban is furious. She gives them drugs to sell in a party where Choocha’s chu friend brings along a girl(Priya) he keeps eve teasing. Oh wow true Loou! She comes to the party dressed as if all the the cham cham sitaara of the town has landed on her top.  .  Police strikes and pills are flushed down the toilet by Neetu to save the asses. Don’t ask how. Now while hiding, Hunny asks Priya if she is his gf and she goes furious saying “Zabardasti karne ki koshish kar re ho”. LOL!

After losing Bholi di Goli, they are asked to get 25 lacs in a day. Now Choocha gets a real dream and guess who supports him furiously to bet again. Ms.Neetu Ma’am.  She smartly gives up all her savings along with the silly boy’s chindi amounts. Zafar The Duffer is against it this time and gets proven wrong again shortly as they all manage to win the lottery this time.

Bholi Punjaban is tricked into police custody. Choo and Hunny manage to pass and go to college on a horse( I wonder how could they pass even after getting the paper because searching the right answers for something we have no clue about also takes time). Laali gets a new arm candy and just before you feel like slapping that spineless Zafar, he starts singing and gets his girl back. Yayyiie!

PS: Choocha’s T-Shirt that read COMA and had Puma’s tiger/lion whatever lying dead was really hilarious.\m/

“Hello? Kon? Maata…”  Jaagaran song had me jumping with laughter.

Also, both the chicks are really pretty.

Overall, Fukrey is a mast masala movie rey! DO WATCH IT for the real hero of the movie, the not at all bholi - ‘Bholi Punjaban’.

Btw, Fukrey means Vella te Jobless te a part of all of us. Isn't it? ;)

Art of Self Entertainment

1.       Let your hair loose literally on your neck and press it now. Feeling is same as that of caressing your favorite doggie. Oops! Sorry non girly boys.

2.       Google your genuine doubts like the one I once had: ‘Why is butter milk called butter milk when it does not have butter’.

3.       Make Maggi in Rasna. Or NOT.  It tastes yuck!

4.       Spam your hyper intelligent genius friend’s wall with the message: ‘Chaddi Or Vest, YOU ARE THE BEST!”

5.       Climb up an escalator coming down.

P.S: Don’t act oversmart. Wait for everybody to leave the mall after the night show.

6.       Dance like no one is watching or whoever is watching won’t be able to dance again out of sheer trauma. Same goes for singing like a frog-crow hybrid intentionally or otherwise.

7.       Talk to kids as much as you can. They bring in a fresh perspective. After a few speechless moments, your stagnant IQ will start kicking up again.

8.       Invent your own games.  Translate your favorite song into another language. The idiocy of whole idea and the funny words will tickle you from within.

Look What I found!

           Hindi

A Kya Bolti Tu ?

A Kya Mai Bolu ?

Sun

Suna

Ati Kya Khandala ?

Kya karu Ake mai Khandala ?

Are Ghumenge, nachenge, gayenge Aish karenge or kya

            Sanskrit

Aye balike, twam katham kathisyasi

Aye balakah aham kim kathisyamh

Shrinvasi!

Shrunha

Kim twam khandaalaa agchasyasi

Aham kim kurwasyami khandaalayeh

gamisyami, bhramisyami, nryuthyami, gaayami, maja karishma, kim karishyam

9.       Dance like no one is watching or whoever is watching won’t be able to dance again out of sheer trauma. Same goes for singing like a frog-crow hybrid intentionally or otherwise.

10.       Talk to kids as much as you can. They bring in a fresh perspective. After a few speechless moments, your stagnant IQ will start kicking up again.

Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani Review

Lemme start with ‘You  r my pumpkin pumpkin, Hello honey Bunny(Ranbir Kapoor)’.  Ranbir is not only the best actor that I have seen in recent times but also the most good looking one. Loafer whistles at you my Boy!

It all begins with the meeting of conservative, shy Naina(Deepika Padukone) and her Mommy with  Naina’s  dudette friend Aditi(Kalki). Mommy dear whose own daughter is in a mini skirt finds Aditi’s hotpants too much. LOL

Bored of mugging, Naina joins Aditi, Bunny and the Talli hero-from-Aashiqui 2-who-keeps-forgetting-that-this movie-is-not-Aashiqui 2, Avi(Aditya Roy Kapoor) for a trip to Manali(Kashmir in reality). After a few trademark Deepika’s hair shots , she falls for Bunny who meanwhile keeps flirting with nose-par-jiske-plastic-hai-saara, Lara and indulges in lots of idiotic slow motion dialogues with Naina who has probably damaged her own Naina by studying in the light of things like campfire. Aaargh!

Bunny runs off to USA to chase his dreams just as she was about to propose to him.

Fast forward the story to 8 years later.

Bunny has grown  a beard and changed his earrings and is living his dream life of travelling places. Naina is emoting with her hair, Aditi has decided to marry a rich, fat boy after finally moving on from Awww I love that idiot Avi phase. Avi is ofcourse still shooting for Aashiqui 2

Bunny suddenly pops up at her wedding and dances like a hurricane without any choreography. Wow!

I have a complaint here: How can Aditi be so mean that while she is wearing the prettiest of clothes, she lets her hubby  wear weird flowery shirts. Duh Woman..

Slow romantic(Yawn!) conversations resume between Bunny and now hot Naina who tells him Damn-you-Moron-Come-back-home in a very polite way and 20 mins later, he obliges.

Okay, The END.

Highilghts:

·         The queen of grace and beauty Madhuri Dikshit’s tasteful item number.

·         Kalki’s Bindaas acting and comic timing.

·         Catchy songs

·         Ranbir Kapoor ;)

Ek Thi Daayan Review

 Well it’s the story of a magician whose name if you chant in continuation will bring out the dog in you, Mr. Bobo(Emran Hashmi).

He is dating Tamara(Huma Qureshi) and they have an adopted son, Zubin in the pipeline. Now Bobo is not scared of burning a living girl in his magic shows but a baby girl with doll spooks him out. Spooky enough that after a while he decides marrying Tamara is the solution for it all.. Duh!

Bobo now digs up his past and story shifts to the  eleven year old wanna be magician. Living happily with his Sis and Dad, Bobo is unable to tame the Sherlock in him and takes a trip to hell in the building’s non functional escalator. Yeah right.. Don’t press 666 or you will reach hell.

Now enters a daayan(Konkana)  in their lives with the most innovative name, ‘Daayana’. She henpecks his Tharki Dad under her charm in no mean time. Bobo identifies the Daayan and tries  to convince his Dad but Alas! Tharki Dad is just too tharki. Konkana actually manages to give out a few scary moments without any lame ass twist in the plot. _/\_

Daayana has the ability to transform into a lizard and slip through anywhere. So convenient whenever you feel  too  fat for the door ;)

Daayans are recharged by the sacrifice of a kid and Daayan Daayana picks up Bobo’s lil sissy. Caught red handed in the act by father and son, Daayan kills Daddy Cool also and asks Bobo to come along. But Bobo chops off her pigtail and boom! she crumbles after promising  of PunarJanam..Also, we learn that Daayans have feet in the reverse direction.

Ofcourse all this Bobo’s  intelligence comes from the H C Verma of Magic world, a crap book he bought from a Kabadi Wala.   

Come back to the yawning present now, Enter the girl with front teeth all over the place, Lisa(Kalki). Her Daayan like jewelleries affirm that Daayan has come back. Yawn… Yawn.

She buys Bobo’s  crappy childhood home and soon Tamara is hanging on the railing as if it’s ‘Khatron Ke Khiladi’. Ofcouse Piddi Lisa managed to topple Fat Huma and even more obvious is that atleast 50 more people who are at the party don’t lend a helping hand to Bobo The Dodo to pull his wife up. Duh!

Sniffing threat to Zubin’s life Bobo boboes to hell again  ofcourse in the non functional elevator and meets the chudail+wife he had been with all along, Tamara…

Wonder how even after making out so many times he did not notice her feet. Like father, like son. :\

Bobo is enlightened with the fact that he is a potential ‘Pishaach’ and should sacrifice the kid on the table to join the league. Weirdly, lots of expressionless people are present in hell while all this goes on. LOL! Ofcourse ‘Bobo The Pishaach’ decides against it and  delares:” THIS IS SPARTA..!”

‘ Tams the dumbs’ is apparently a newbie Daayan as she forgets to transform into a lizard before crawling up the wall in the fight. No common sense only :\

Being a sheer genius, ‘Bobo The Dodo’ recalls from the book that being a potential Pishach, he can harness the energy and has his Junior G moment. He then uses that energy to Khallaas Tamara.

He now has to kill ‘Daayana The Daayan’ but sadly he loses his killer abilities with the loss of his innocence according to Satan manual. Duh!

After a funny fight between Bobo and Daayan’s choti, Javed Habib of the story-Zubin, chops off her hair and she crumbles again. If only he could make her Takloo.. :\

 Okay Okay! Wake up now. This movie is not that bad and full of pretty ladies. You can watch it once and that’s all. J J

No figure is perfect figure

Okay there is a girl who can immediately see every pizza piece I eat on my tummy /shoulders / face and  sometimes on my fingers also. I tell you she is just crazy. First she forces me to go to gym at odd hours as I keep repeating the following lines in my head while huffing on the treadmill-

“You're on the frontline

Everyone's watching

You know it's serious

We're getting closer

This isnt over

The pressure is on

You feel it

But you've got it all

Believe it…..”.

 Then I crawl back like a proud soldier who has just conquered her Tiger Tummy hill and this mean girl convinces me that I should be rewarded with pizza, chocolates and sometimes Soft drink also as my victory drink which apparently has calories equivalent to 7 spoons of sugar. Even as I open my mouth to say N..she interrupts me saying…”You look anorexic! Do you want to look like Kareena Kapoor!” and I am like “Yuck! Hell no! Who wants to look like her.. “  

Yeah! Right! . Just 2 burps later she pops up in front of me reminding how life and my face goes on in a circle. :\

But there is one thing we agree on. There are only 2 kinds of girls in this world- Paper/Papad, Elephat.

Being a fan of the TV Series ‘2 Broke girls’, girls are either Carolined or Maxed in the virtual list. ;)

Paper Wafer girls are disgusting. Infact, we think they are non-males but not females. Their collar bone is like 2 swords hanging on a wall.  They don’t even have a belly for belly dancing. Yuck Thoo!

Now elephats are so fat that a sofa can sit on them. If they hug us, we won’t even need a bubble wrap.  Oh Man! They look eternally pregnant. Yuck thoo!

I, ofcourse, am different. I keep swaying back andf forth between  NOTA(None of the above) and  BOTA(Both of the Above). This is obviously decided by this crazy girl I have been talking about all along who is right now grinning back at me from the mirror. All I want to sing to her is:

“I hate you like I love you..love you..love you..love you… aaooouuu!”  

P.S: I recently managed to get my favorite answer for my “Am I looking thin or fat?” question.

Me: “Am I looking thin or fat in that pic?”

Friend:  I haven’t even seen it but I am sure very thin.

Me: Hatt!! Very funny <Weeeeee….Weeeee>

Me: Did you see the pic now?

Friend<After a long pause>: OMG! You are so thin that it took me a while to find you!

Me: Liar!(Read yes!) Kutta! (Read yes!) …. Be honest naa(Read No No No!)