'I, Me Aur Main' Pain

Firstly, I would like a committee to be set up to investigate if Jyoti Randhawa  has stolen all his wife’s cash. Why else did an amazing actor like Chitrangada Singh stoop to something as low as signing this movie. Tcchh….

The core of the movie is to promote ‘Assholism’ in general through John Abraham’s(Ishaan) character. The title reflects him as a selfish but actually he is also a cheapo who refuses to pay the milkman of his gf Anushka(btw, he is a leach living in her house, probably for free)because he drinks black coffee. Should we laugh? Haha..haha…

Anushka(Chitrangada) dumps him and he falls for his neighbor , Gauri (Prachi Desai) just because she keeps flashing.

I mean keeps flashing her …errr.. Teeth! Stylist by profession, she herself wears tacky combination of blue and yellow clothes. She is so demented that even being left alone on a road by the jerk, Ishaan also makes her laugh. She is also a part time electrician always playing with screwdriver in the building. Why the hell did she not fix her own loose screw ! 

Ishaan meanwhile, decides to promote Aamla, who is not edible or tolerable at all. She declares being a noob at everything except singing but miraculously starts doing classical dance at the end with bad lip syncing.

There is one good thing about Ishaan though. He turns into a motivational speaker(Deepak Chopra ..listening?) everytime Aamla is just about to piss in her pants in panic. Just 2 lines and boom!

Meanwhile Anushka discovers that she is pregnant with Ishaan’s child..blah..blah..

Ishaan’s mother takes revenge for the audience by slapping him tight which makes him a good person.LOL!So at the end, he becomes a responsible father while Anushka doesn’t take him back for a hotter guy. Finally a good decision. ;)

Throughout the movie, John keeps delivering an epic dialogue while scratching air in front of mirror like a dog. ”Who is the best (waste)… Who is the best (waste)… Who is the best (waste)…? Ishaan” Pissssssssssss

Why am I not the perfect marriage material

If love is blind, marriage talks gives divine vision.  While Indian parents are eventually embracing crazy ideas like letting kids choose their own life partner, a girl has to score above average in atleast four SSSShit departments . And even though I am a well educated(atleast on papers), almost independent girl, I will surely fall short in all of them. :P

1.       Shaant:  My Mom always compared my arrival from school to being hit by a storm. I considered it my duty to speak for even the gadgets in the house, while I played Frisbee with shoes, bag and water bottle. She stands by the fact that she called it ‘Toofan’ only because the term ‘Tsunami’ was not popular back then. Now, 20 years later, if anything, I have become more slapstick. It will be a little tough to blush now at silly Aunty comments or act shy because sometimes the desire to talk back to such people is stronger than the urge to pee after a bottle of Beer.

 

2.       Sajjan: I firmly believe that ‘ Jhansi Ki Raani’ was me in my previous birth. While I am no ‘ Lalita Pawar’, I like to have my share of pranks. Crazy lil things are what tickle me up enough to live.  Sorry but a Tigeress cannot really ‘Meow’.    

3.       Susheel: I have a record for unfailingly falling with the popcorn bucket in movies, accidently dropping water on innocent people who ask me for a glass of one, trying to make magic dal with just water, pouring shampoo all over myself in a hurry just because the talc and shampoo bottles were both green. Basically, I am very clumsy.  Cooking, cleaning, singing, painting are probably A..B..C..D’s of “good girl” world but shit! I started reading backwards from ‘Z’. Reaching A will take time!  I will probably embarrass my future Mom in Law(God save her!) in all her “Aao Behen Chugli Karein” kitty parties!

4.       Sundar:  I just got a haircut whose tagline should be: “Crazy today, fashion tomorrow”. Also, I don’t belong to any of these categories.

·         Healthy but not chubby/thin but not skinny

·         Naagin hair society.

·         Ghost white complexion.

·         Collar bone prominent enough to be a hanger.

·         Tall/short enough to make the guy appear taller and probably many more.

Actually, I become just a normal looking girl after you pay for tiny tucks on the face.

 As of now, there is a little time to see if love takes me down or not, but I would surely like to be put on trial just because I have better ‘S’ characteristics. Spontaneous..Smart…Stubborn…Sporty.. and I would like to SSSShock some of the Mommies and Daddies desperate to get an intellectual Apsara for their poodle son. It’s all just For Fun. ;)

Murder of Murder 3

The tagline is: “This Valentine…love will be murdered”.

The tagline should have been: “This Valentine…a few hundred bucks will be murdered.”

Meet bimbo No. 1 in SA. Her acting skills can’t be analyzed solely because I was not able to see anything but her big nose, which sometimes becomes more red than her lipstick. She is dating Randeep Hooda (Tharki No. 1) whose kismet is seriously foota. Even Bimbo No. 1’s nose color could vary more than his expressions. But he is the prettiest person amongst all hands down.

Bimbo and Tharki shift to India where Bimbo wants to test his love for her.  She locks herself in a bomb proof secret chamber in her own house and takes important things like purse (probably for shopping in a hideout room made in 1947) and keys for everything but the chamber. Smart girl! If no sound can be heard from inside, from where the hell does oxygen come in! The room also has leftovers from 1947 for her to eat. LOL! The chamber has 2 one-sided transparent doors and loudspeakers to hear what goes on in the main house. Big Boss inspired?  

Now of course, Bimbo 1 gets locked in and hence, enters Bimbo No. 2. She is a waitress and hence can afford only bare minimal clothes. She stays in a good apartment which surely she cannot afford by working overtime.

Tharki soon brings Bimbo 2 to his house and wins her over with dialogues where vocal variations are as good as a dead person’s ECG. Yippee!

Now onwards all the activities are of course carried out in front of the two see through doors in a house stretched only across a few acres.

Bimbo 2 has to brush her teeth now. She picks up a random brush out of the 2 kept. Eeeew! What kind of a waitress is she! No sense of hygiene! She always manages to reach the house located in the outskirts of the city every evening (I think it’s Mumbai). Dafuq Traffic! :O

Enter Faaltu 1 and Faaltu 2. Both are cops involved in the most epic dialogue of the movie.

Tharki: “I think something is not right.”

Faaltu 1: “You mean something is wrong?”

Dafuq!

While Bimbo 1 and 2 are having conversations through a basin, faaltu 2 is busy hitting on Bimbo 2. Meanwhile, Tharki’s escapades come to light and Bimbo 2 decides to free Bimbo 1 from the chamber. But ofcourse, she gets locked in now.

Bimbo 1 flees back to SA and faaltu 2 comes to save Bimbo 2. As he puts his gun up, we the viewers, bow our heads down in shame for wasting a few thousand paise.

  

Oh BTW I forgot.. Movie has just ended.  

  

How Can My True Love Leave me!

It’s been a couple of hours since he left me. All my calls are going in vain. Now I know how Sita must have felt in her exile bereft of Ram, Arnab Goswami in his Maun Vrata and Jacqueline Fernandez in Bollywood.  Completely lost!

I pressed him hard to revive our relationship. Tried to reconnect all the connection I could think of. In a moment of desperation, breaching a barricade of robots, I reached his boss also who promised me a time frame of 2 days to get him back. I know that his promise is as fake as Koena Mitra’s nose.

How can he forget it all! How we stayed up till 2 in the night talking sweet nothings, searching for the meaning of life and trying to upgrade it all. I don’t know how to live anymore. I am sitting with my laptop and tears roll down its eyes as well. Even the domino’s free pizza offer on Friday night fails to cure my addiction to him. World seems black and white and this is the closest I have come to experiencing rural life in a while.

Baby, please come back.

You are my soul mate. You are my search mate. Because you are my Airtel Internet connection.

Mat Ghiso, Bas Hanso

  1.    If constipation ever hits your smile, watch this happy dent ad and you will burst out laughing within khichiks ;)
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yn1dQ3zyFg

2.    If ‘FRIENDS’ made you laugh, Sarabhai Vs Sarabhai will make you laugh++. Especially this particular episode:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUZis7u0tnw

3.    Blow in air with your straw in that lime juice. Bubbles will make your giggle Strawnger. ;)

4.    Concentrate on Himesh Harammiya’s dance steps in this song. It is irritatingly funny.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1-aeR647oA

5.    If you feel frustrated and compressed, give it back to the bubble wraps. Every burst is an amazing stress buster.

6.     Give “Death by Chocolate” a quick hog when low \m/

7.    Sheer stupid things like the following scene from ‘Andaaz Apna Apna’ has cheered me up million times, especially the last bike drama :D 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRbSzNfzmvE 

8.    Instead of clicking away like an idiot to keep yourself superficially busy, click and hover randomly on an awesome page like this. Simple and neat, yet so amazing that it restores faith in human creativity ? 
http://www.lateral-inc.com/about-us/team/

9.    Live for yourself, laugh at yourself and just when you think it’s all just a speech, ride up and shine… ‘Oppa Gangnam’ style!  

RACE 2 the nearest Exit!!

Race 2 is a sheer disgrace to the awesome Race and basically a movie full of poopholes and probably not worth an effort even if you are tired of counting the interruptions of Arnab Goswami . 

Jacqueline Fernandez’s talent is put forth in the form of uncalled for slutty moans and bimbo strutting. She plays an arm candy to John Abraham whose acting is worse than his character sketch, lacking power and expressions completely. Then there was Uncle Saif to bore you further. Anil Kapoor’s dialogues were ripped off from a C grade disgusting movie though Ameesha played a bimbo so well, it seemed it was inbuilt in her persona!

What can I say about the routine monkey dance and song routine.. The story is so dumb that I don’t feel like torturing myself recalling it frame by frame. The climax of this super flop movie was in a super plane which survived open windows and broken doors. LOL!

P.S(If you are just too jobless): Girls, watch it for Deepika’s awesome style, sexy clothes, shoes, accessories and tonnes of attitude worth learning. Guys, mentioning Deepika is enough I hope? ;)

Sigh! If only she could change the almost certain fate of this film just like she LOLed(changed) the sequence of cards through a micro sensor fitted in her goggles! ;)

A lil beer and lots of Beauty ;)

A T Shirt I had designed for a beer-o-philic friend but the printing seriously pooped on all my photoshop hard work >.<