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Sunday, 21 October 2012

The Great Indian Exam Show


So in that TV series, hero comes to write the paper, answers like a cool fool dude, eyes flirt with the heroine and it’s bell time :)

So we also have quite a few 'exams' for any average student in India. The 'Agnee Parikshas' in true sense.

But the ordeal begins much before the anxiety hits. Finding the exam center is no less than a treasure hunt. It is also a typical rich bitch’s only shot at ‘Discovery of India’. 230 bylanes and Rs 350 ride later, the ‘Eureka’ moment comes and so does the pressure seeing fellow intellectual minds’ last minute Nirma soap like consistent behavior. 


God forbid, if that pressure is transmitted to your bladder, you will definitely have to see hell even before the exam commences. Unless of course, you are the Man who decides to take up the responsibility of watering plants with your own sweat and pee.

 Before entering the exam hall, we get the practice of a lifetime to stand in a queue for reasons unknown even to the guard at the gate. Interestingly, we as Indians do not replicate similar behavior at any counter that we ever encounter.

After so many break points we are expected to break down every question. And we do it! Sometimes by magically increasing the elasticity of that single line that lingers on in head, sometimes by excelling at ‘inky-pinky-ponky’ in MCQs and sometimes even by STUDYING. :D  



Weirdly, a song plays in my head for each emotion that I go through as I set out to exchange my ink for marks..

Leaving the house confidently after forcing everybody to wish me luck: “Sandese aate hain……”

On the way to center looking outside the window: “I am leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when...”
 
Waiting period before you can open the paper on your desk: “Tempted to touch..”

Gambling in MCQ: “Aazmaa Luck Aazmaa…”

In the middle of nowhere: “Wake up Sid!”

Just before paper submission: “Aaj main upar, Aasmaa neeche…”

Just after paper submission:” ula la la la le yo… ula la la la le yo”  

Overhearing my mistake from *lets-discuss-answers* troupe: “Kuch toh log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna…”

After seeing a happy friend: “Acha sila dia tune mere pyaar ka, yaar ne hi loot lia ghar yaar ka…..”

After looking at the solutions: “Kya se kya ho gaya…”


Thursday, 18 October 2012

What did Mathematics teach me?

"Ram has 12 apples. He has to distribute it equally amongst Meeta,
Geeta, Seeta and himself. What is Ram’s share?"

Such ‘now- cute-then-horrible’ unitary method questions in 4th class
tried to teach us stuffs beyond maths. Dared we wrong any of the
folks, 0 was waiting right there. :D


Time vroomed ahead and accidentally, I *chose* MSc Mathematics. Yep,
the only degree I did not just get. :)


While pursuing MSc, I discovered the lawyer within. The basic
assumptions were not so anymore. To justify the 108th collorary of
some 10000th theorem, we had to prove so much that my logical skills
escalated much higher than the grades that I eventually procured.
After vomiting out every mugged up proof within an hour, we usually
had good 2 hours still left to use our creativity in proving things
that seemed as obvious as the fact that ‘A’ comes before ‘B’. But we
formed our arguments, presented it somehow and confidently ended in
big bold lie “Hence Proved”.

I firmly believe that my well thought, self composed Proofs have made
me Tougher, Smarter, Liar. Traits of a budding lawyer, eh? :D

Btw, those 2 hours undeniably followed the clock of 3rd level of inception.
But my favorite lesson is the beautiful analogy that mathematics exhibits between life and angle.


One day, you were nothing. Precisely at 0 degree. Soon, you picked up
the sand grains, some within grip, some slipping out, could see good
things coming, you were high at 90 degrees. Eventually, came a point
where life did not even have the ghost of pain, loss, failure. You
were riding on a crest. You stood at 180 degrees. The angles kept
ticking with time. You got accustomed to name, fame and shame, blurred
the lines between need and greed. Never realized the quest to move
further ahead was bringing you closer to 0 degree. Suddenly, even with
everything, you hit saturation. Maths defied its own fundamentals when
360 equaled 0. And at 365 degrees, you get back to rebuilding it all.


Isn’t life a beautifully solved mathematical example ! :)

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Handy Tips while dating a Computer geek




A plethora of girls end up integrating the ‘Ross Geller’/’Sheldon Cooper’ of Computer Science world into their lives and hence begins  a tedious journey of debugging the guy’s head periodically for things that are as obvious as Pamela Anderson's you-know-what....  

These few pointers can be a balm for any irritated girl out of the mushy phase where her only reaction to his monologues is Dafuq!



1.       As soon as he starts boring you with the “awesome configuration, amazing blah blah!! ” about a certain Apple product, fizzle him out by asking for it as a gift. It may work as good as pest control.

2.       “Babe you should try coding. It can be our ‘thing’ “ can easily be negated by  “Only if you try shopping.  Though, It will all be my ‘thing’ “

3.       He fears bugs. Become a bug. Threaten to crash if he doesn’t change even a little. Pester him till he welcomes normality into his life.

P.S: Normality means coming home before 12, watching a video instead of a video lecture, working FOR home instead of ‘working FROM home’ , flirting with the idea of  long drive instead of ‘long’ datatype and any stuff  that  makes you go “Awwww…..”

4.       Want to get a point across? Write a code!

After every genuinely emotional demand of yours, he will unfailingly say “I don’t understand”
He may even give you the setup of Ruby (A programming language) when you ask for Ruby, the beautiful  gem.

No worries. Try something like this:

    switch (Take_me_on_a_date) {
       
case Yes:

            printf("You are a smart guy, just saved yourself ;)\n");

            break;

case MayBe:

            printf("You will invite trouble. I am warning you :/ \n");

            break;

case No:

            printf("You are a mean selfish guy cheating on me with your codes. I will dump you before the morning garbage! >.< \n");

            break;

default:

            printf("You mean so much to me but I dunno about you. Don’t even think it's an  emotional atyaachaar  \n");}



If he can’t decode this also, Girl u got a problem. Your guy is seriously weak at coding and may never get a good package! Hence, you may like to reconsider your decision of taking so much effort to appreciate the difference between colon and semicolon, intend and indent, RAM and Lord Ram, Python-The  Snake and Python- The Programming Language and much more  ;)



    
  
   

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Midnight Anger :)

Stay Angry, Stay in Love ;)

I am angry when you miss my call
I am angry when you meet a girl
I am angry when you refuse a ball
I am angry when love doesn't make you twirl


I am angry that you know me bare
I am angry when you still mock my tears
I am angry when past brings fear
I am angry because I want you near


I am angry because you don't really know why I am so
I am angry because our LOVE I don't want to blow
I am angry as you always have grievance
I am angry that you can't hear my silence





I act angry just to talk a few minutes more
I am angry that you don't see how it's fake
I am angry because I love you to the core
Sweetheart, I am angry for our sake





Now,
I am angry that even these inspired words lack a pattern
I am angry that I miss you
I am angry because even two minutes less turns me blue
But most of all,
I am angry that I  can never stay angry at you.
 

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

B.M.T.C. Shit

                                    
                             The only guy who gets paid to be near women!




Moral of the story: No Job is a bad Job =D

Friday, 21 September 2012

Cocktail


Glad I saved 250 rupees on watching 'Cocktail'. Instead the money can come handy in buying two pairs of chappals from Kamla Nagar to rain on the scriptwriter.

So  Meera is a true Indian girl who instead of reporting to the police about her pest husband, starts camping in a stranger’s house. Hello?

Accepted that bimbo girls laugh at PJ’s a lot but how can she giggle at Gautam’s poop like pickup lines which can wake me up even from death. Just to slap him right across his face. 
   
While it takes her potentially HIV infected lover one half of a song to fall in love and out of lust, our Bhartiya Naari is entangled in love in 2 minutes. What is she?  Maggi noodles?
 
 Saif should have ideally played father/uncle to the pretty girl and her anorexic Brutus but Alas!

Funny she came to London in salwar kurti with pink clutcher being highlighted like ugly pimples and then landed in India in trendy jeans. Haha! Whom are you fooling Mr. Writer!

Deepika needs to read the script beyond her role because Saif, Diana and pathetic story totally let the movie down even though she stood out.

“I am a rich bitch” and “Whatever is in the house is on the house” are the only two killer dialogues. Rest  all are  an assault to the sensibility!

Btw, Can anyone explain the following line in “Tumhi ho Bandhu” song.

“Tu hai jaisa mujhko waisa
Dikhna.. dikhna”

Excuse me? What? The girl wants to look manly also now on top of her anorexic, anemic stature! ?

Thursday, 20 September 2012

PaaniPuri!


What is it with Panipuri and my loyalty towards my favorite street food?

 As Chaats, Maha Lactos, Bhelpuris, Golas were  getting cornered by pizzas, burgers, Ferrero Rochers in my life, all GolGappa could manage was a less funny name-“PaniPuri.”
 
I was a champion at “1 Re, 2 Golgappas-Eat as much as you can” competitions. Alas! That was the only  trophy I feared flashing at Mom’s face. Trying to disgust each other by describing the imaginary/real wound on the thelawala’s hands and then outrunning everybody on the 1st clink of his bells. Those were the spicy, naughty days… Btw, Naughty mumblings that tummy had to deal with afterwards is a different story altogether. As always. ;)


Then Delhi gave way to many changes and complimentary Paani.<*tears of joy and extra mirch!*>. It didn’t take long before my “what-a-cheapo!” gaze soon turned towards myself saying “What-a-dumbo” who doesn’t ask for her birth right. Her complimentary dirty green paani. Those hot sunny days when every molecule of the body threatened to evaporate, ice cold Singla paanipuri kept my sanity together.  Delhi’s paanipuri has surely won my dil forever.


Bangalore is my nest now and thankfully, paanipuri stalls are sprinkled across the city. My daily 10 rupees therapy with delicious ‘puchkas’ and the complimentary “sookha” which has rotten chanas without fail, yet I have never buzzed without claiming it. Victory! ;)


Rates have changed but my little ball of surprise is still a spicy, tangy, non sweet Salsa for my tastebuds. I say ‘surprise’ because filthier the place, tastier the puchkas. ;) I have spent 4 years in Goa and panipuri followed me there also in the nooks and crannys where even hutch dog couldn’t claim to.


Paanipuri is indeed my favorite food and favorite drink. Depends if I am in delhi for the complimentary drink or in Bangalore for those extra puris. ;)